Monday, February 22, 2016

What is Happening?

I said anything to God... and something pretty big is presenting.  What is this chaos of heart I am feeling?  I think, it is because I know the weight of it all.  I cannot look at it as wild adventure or living a daring life.  I see it as crisis of faith.  Will my faith meet my words?  Will the old "adventurous" me understand the difference between God calling, and adventure calling?

God, you tell me to ask for wisdom.  I am asking, pleading really.

I am in a grey haze of knowing that no matter what-- life is not the same.  It is not a bad haze, just thick and mysterious.  I don't want our life to be the same, but I am not sure how to process the days as they come.  Sameness does not equal a deep, heart change.  One moment my insides are fluttering with excitement and there is a twinkle in my eyes at this pending opportunity.  The next moment, I am feeling the heaviness of the reality of what could be and all that would completely change.

I see everything so differently. a woman of faith, an educator, a wife, a mother, and a daughter, it feels incredibly complicated.  Sometimes, all of these roles are so monumental they seem impossible to fulfill.  I feel pulled to serve Jesus in radical ways.  I love my life and roles with my husband and children.  I desire to honor my parents, especially in these days as they will soon be an ocean away.  My work life is overflowing.  God has blessed me with more students that I can even accommodate. But, I want to be faithful.  I know God's desire is my faithfulness.  I also know that serving Jesus radically doesn't always come off smoothly. 

Wisdom, Jesus....wisdom.

I wish I could share more dear readers, but for now I ask that you pray that God's power would illuminate my haze.  I ask that you pray that I would not be weighted by the world.  Pray that my vision would be laser-focused on Jesus.

I simply cannot get the words to this very familiar hymn out of my heart.  I keep singing them and longing for it to be undeniable truths in my life.

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or Gold.  I'd rather be His than have riches untold.  I'd rather have Jesus than houses or land.  I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand.
Than to be the king of a vast domain, or be held in sin's dread sway.  I'd rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today.  
I'd rather have Jesus than worldly applause.  I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause.  I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame.  I'd rather be true to His holy name.
Than to be the king of a vast domain, or be held in sin's dread sway.  I'd rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today. 

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