Wednesday, February 10, 2016

No More Babies

Me and my Jackson

2/10/16---Honestly ( From my journal)

I can't seem to put this thought too far away.  I don't think  I 've ever really talked about it much except  with my mother. My news feed is full of new babies and growing families.  It is beautiful and so precious.  I am full of joy at the sight of each one.  Then, I think about our family.  We are so blessed.  We have two full-of-life red headed boys.  My days are stuffed to capacity with the doings of little boys.  I love it.  I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have two sons that look so much like me.  

Our family will probably just be us four.  There will probably never be a little redheaded girl to torture her big brothers.  There is a bit of grief in that knowing.  Four is a beautiful number.  Four- when not long ago could have easily been only three.  How can I be sad for that?

But, I am a bit sad about that.  I am sad that disease is cruel.  I am sad that we get old.  I am sad that I can't eat everlasting gobstoppers and blame it on the baby that isn't coming.  Sometimes, it is really sad.

Sometimes, I am not sad.  Sometimes, it is beautiful knowing that my boys are now both school-aged, and there is a bit more time to invest my heart in things I have had to put aside for awhile.  Sometimes, I am glad that I don't have to worry about morning sickness and losing baby weight.  Sometimes, I am so thrilled that everybody in my house is healthy, and that I can sleep through the night.  

But...I still miss the idea of more babies.  I still don't know what to say beside a grin and chuckle when people unknowingly ask if we are "done".  I want to say, "no, not really...but we were not given that option."  

But who says that?  

Sometimes, I even think about miracles and surprises...women in the Bible and the friend that adopted just before the surprise of a lifetime.  I smile... there is always the hope.

But, I am content.  I don't pine.  I don't feel sad when I get the call of big news from a friend.  I don't cry, and I don't care how many people ask me if I am done.  That truly doesn't hurt me.  I am beautifully blessed with my sons, and I have hundreds of other people's babies that I get to love on every week. And..boy do I love them! Who can really be sad with all that?

Not me.

God knows what He is doing.  Of this, I am sure.

I sometimes even know that it was on purpose.   There is a bigger picture.  The bigger picture of God's story compels me to not linger in the sadness, but to look ahead with expectancy towards the purpose.  There is much, much joy in that truth.  

God, you know my heart.  You know that I have arms to love many more babies.  You created my heart.  So, I know I can trust you with it...even if there are no more babies.  


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