Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Honest Truth

Well, I am writing today from hospital room 830.  I seem to be spending much time in hospitals.  My husband is very sick.  There are many questions and few answers.  But he is sleeping and that is far more comfort than he has had in such a long time.  I find comfort in the gentle ticks of the machine that pumps his medicine in.  The soft hum of hospital has become a bit of a refuge lately.  While I certainly wish we were not here, I am grateful for the peace of mind that others are keeping a watchful eye on his care.

I usually try to write lightly.  I love a pretty photo or good chuckle over motherhood events.  But lately, I cannot seem to write those words.  My world is not made of the same things it used to be.  I decided I need to write, even if were just the honest truth of life these days.  The journey that we have been on has been hard to describe.  For some reason, I find a measure of closeness with words.  This story needs to be written because it is a very poignant part of our life.

I realize I stay tired.  There is much to do always when one half of a partnership is not well.  There are the errands, the meals, the bills, the phone calls, the children, the medicines, the laundry, the garbage.  There is the need to vacuum and the need to change bed linens.  The shopping needs done, the dishes need washed.  The two-year old needs to have cuddle time.  The six year old needs practice on his spelling words.  There is the constant reminder that french fries do not need to be in meals frequently. One cannot forget to take garbage to the curb on Tuesdays.  Forgetting that makes everything worse.  For us, there is the constant daily struggle to get the school uniform pieced together properly, the baby bag packed appropriately, and the school PE bag prepared adequately.  The list is endless.

Of course there is still the job.  Lesson plans must be made, classes must be taught, and meetings must be attended.  Did I just wear this sweater?  Are there any clean socks?  Someone forgot to wash socks....oh wait, that was me.  Is the music planned for chapel?  Where is the school piano?  Why am I looking for a piano?

Then, there is my best friend.  He is so very sick.  Each week, I watch him suffer more and be able to do less.  Each week I see him get smaller and a bit paler.  I bring him soup.  I rub his head.  I hold his hand.  I cry a little.  We talk and laugh some.  Sometimes, there is just not much to say.  It gets quiet.  We get frustrated.  We hug and and I tuck him back in bed.  I call the doctors.  The doctors call me.  Appointments are set.  I text his boss.  We wonder about options.  We wonder about the bills that will surely come.

Then, it gets bad.  This is beyond my rubbed-off nursing training from rooming with my nurse friend for a few years.  I have read the books and googled the symptoms.  I have called the doctors and given the medicines.  I have prayed the prayers and shed the tears.  I need help.  He needs more than me.  They all agree, and we are back in the quiet hum of hospital security.

It is quiet.  A needed quiet.  As the little drops make their way into his IV, I think many thoughts that I haven't had time to think.  I think about this story that God is writing into our life.  I think about the strength it takes for us to not get overly discouraged.  I think about all the people that have crossed our path during these difficult years.

As I eat yet another cafeteria baked fish, I think about the brevity of life.  How quickly we can go from youthful strength to weakened vessels.  Our days are short, but our life's don't have to be small. Even in the hum of hospital we have purpose.  This story was written by my Creator, it is up to me to live out the parts.  Do I cower in fear and worry, or do I step boldly into the plot trusting the Author?  The thing is, I do trust Him.  He's the one that parted waters.  Just as those fearful Israelites stepped into the unknown floor of a suddenly barren sea, I will keep stepping in the unknown of life's challenges.

So the honest truth is that I don't know what is next.  I don't have many positive updates or great breakthroughs to post about his progress.  But what I do have is hope and trust.  I hope in the Lord, and I trust that this is part of His plan.  I trust Him with the care of my dearest love.  I honestly don't know when or if things will get better.  But I do believe that He loves us.

And...there are still silly stories and lovely pictures even during these days.

B Charmer

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