Monday, January 6, 2014

An Absence. A Beginning

It has been another particularly hard few weeks.  I am generally the eternal optimist, but I am struggling with that as of late.  My husband is not well.  The past two years of his health struggles is starting to take a toll on my resolve regardless of my efforts.  I will not go into deep detail, but he is quite ill.  We are trying to find any way to make things better.  Some days I feel we are winning the war.  Other days, I wonder if there will ever be a victory?  It is hard to watch someone you dearly love suffer.  It is hard when you are unable to fix the problem.  It is hard when you can't decided if the doctors are helping or hurting.   How long will the struggle last?  Will life ever go back to normal?  Will he get well? It all is just plain hard.

I sometimes get angry.  I never used to get angry.  But, I fight feeling that way some days.  I am angry that the body is so frail.  I am angry that he is so young to have these struggles.  I think about our children being just babies. We are facing things that people twice our age do not face.  I grieve what we have lost.  I grieve what we may not have.  I suppose that is normal.

I get frustrated because I think maybe I should have not returned to the classroom.  Maybe if I could devote all my energy to our family and his health that we might be in a better place?  I get frustrated at myself for being frustrated.  I do not know the best plan.  I do not know the best way to help our family.  I am supposed to be a help-meet, but I am stumbling around amid my best efforts.  

I talk to God.  He comforts me and strengthens me.  Sometimes, I can't decide if I am doing a good job listening to His leading, or if I am just swerving away on some alternate course.

This is forced surrender. 

I can only live each day as it is given.  I can only operate on a moment by moment basis.  I have surrendered to the fact that I am totally not in control.  My best is always going to be a mess.  I know little of God's ways.  I do trust Him.  I trust His promises.  I trust His word.  

I am surrendered.  I am not defeated.  

The last few weeks of the old year allowed me to see things a bit differently.  In the midst of the unknown, God blessed us with a home to purchase.  We celebrated ten years of marriage.  I finished the semester at school with a Christmas presentation that I felt was very good work.  We managed to fit gifts in for others and precious time for our family.  We lit the tree.  
We celebrated hope.  

Hope....a beautiful word.

As I got in my car to return to work after the extended break, my heart was full of challenge and positive thoughts.  Quickly, the positivity vanished.  I sat for over an hour on the interstate trying to go a mere 10 miles.  I was late.  The kind of late that makes you want to crawl in a hole and sulk.  It was out of my control.  It was not the beginning I had hoped for.  It was just enough ammunition to make me want to walk right into the office and resign.   I am so tired of this feeling of inadequacy and inability to make things work.  I am exhausted of feeling like life is nothing more than a dozen eggs being juggled at impossible speeds just above my head.  

But I remembered hope.

I have hope that when I am least in control, He is most in control.  I have hope that when God knows my load is too large, He will show up in mighty ways.  I have the promise of hope in my future.  When I look at my husband that is so frail, I have hope that God's strength is more than enough. When I see the five lanes of traffic absolutely stopped making me late (yet again beyond my control), I know that God is just as much in control then as He is ever.  

I am surrendered, but I am not defeated.  I have hope.

This year will be a year of joy and prayer, regardless of the outcome.  I can say that because as long as there is breath in me, there is hope in me.  I might feel like merely a survivor, but in reality....God's reality, I am more than a conqueror.

So, here is to the beginning...again.
Fresh hope.

B Charmer

1 comment:

  1. Leah, I'm praying for you. I've been wondering how you all were doing. My heart is grieving with yours and at the same time I'm encouraged by your words. I wish I were closer and could somehow bear some of the burden...but I am praying.
    Love to you all...Michelle


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