Tuesday, August 20, 2013

What Have I Done?

 A lot is going on in our home.  Change is flooding through every corner.  The big boy is ready for school, I am going back to the classroom, and the baby seems to be happy just to go along for the ride.  I am overwhelmed.  I knew when I cracked open the door to getting back into the classroom that I would feel this way.  It is one thing when change affects yourself.  It is an entirely different thing when your change has a direct impact on absolutely everybody in the home.

Today, I felt the weight of it.   Today, I questioned if this was really what we should be doing.  I have been to three different schools this morning collecting records and getting academic references for the big boy. The amount of paperwork involved in enrolling a first grader in private school is a bit mind-boggling. Tomorrow, bright and early, he goes for testing to determine his learning level.  He will score well, he always does.  He is super smart, and I do not worry one bit.

After testing, we must go the uniform sale.  He will be in full uniform this year.  The prices are a bit hard to swallow.  He will be in school monogrammed clothing, ties, and button-up oxfords.  Then, we must purchase the PE bag as well as the PE uniform.  The school belt and shoes must also be purchased with certain socks. There are registration fees, supply fees, and preschool fees.  There are all sorts of things to do to get the children ready for their new journey.

I am overwhelmed.  I wonder is this the best?  What have I done?

Then, I visited my new classroom for the first time. My classroom is absolutely lovely.  It is large and has an entire wall of windows.  It even has a grand piano in it.  The large flat-screen TV in mounted on the wall as well as the projectors.  Brand new matching upholstered chairs are ready for the children. The acoustics are right, and the lighting is lovely. It is the nicest classroom I have ever called my own.  It is inspiring just to be in there.  But, the doubt creeps in.  Can I do this job?  Am I equipped for this task?

I will admit, I am a bit out of my element.  I have always been the girl that taught oversees in third-world countries where the children sometimes were barely even clothed.  I also taught in a sweet school in the country where the boys all got riffles for Christmas and the girls could drive four-wheelers.  I had to sweet-talk the powers that be to get the old piano out of the gym and into my mobile unit.  It was delivered to me by the boys on the football team.  My experiences in life have been simple but very sweet.  I am familiar with being creative and working hard to put lovely things together.  I am comfortable with taking what is available and making the very most of it.  I am at ease there....

I used to dream of things like grand pianos and walls of windows.  I drooled over technology and my own accompanist.  I longed for a spacious room and well-developed curriculum.  I would have been delighted to simply have matching chairs! Somehow, in the moment that I was standing in a dream turned reality, my legs felt shaky.  My palms were getting clammy.  Do I have what it takes to make the most of these gifts?  Can I do this job?  I am good enough for this?  Really?  I do not even have the exact college degree that was posted for this position. I know others that applied for the job did.

As I take each moment as it comes, I am trying to remind myself that I have been chosen for a reason.  I am trying to reassure myself that I can be a part of this and do this well.  These folks that have put me in this spot knew all these facts about me.  They knew my education,  and they knew my experiences.  I need to trust their judgment and and God's plan.

I feel a bit like David standing before Goliath.  I have on a simple shepherd's robe, a few rocks, and a slingshot.  My inner voice keeps questioning this whole thing. However, my heart tells me to just make beautiful music with the rocks in my hand.

I can tackle this giant one little stone at a time.  David did.  Through God's power little David found God's favor.  He boldly did the job the only way he knew how to do it, and it worked beautifully. So, regardless if the children come in my room with dirty bare feet or in leather shoes and plaid ties, we can make beautiful music together.  That is what I know how to do, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

B Charmer


  1. I read your post and I feel your fears and doubts.

    I want to share this quote that came from another far-flung young mother and friend of mine. (I taught her how to swim when she was a little girl and now she has little girls of her own.)

    "The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it." (--John Eldredge, "Waking the Dead").

    I have pondered that quote many, many times since I read it, and while I think the story of our life is more than that, there is truth to it. Do not let anything overshadow that small still voice that you hear. It will show you what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God for you and your family. I hope you can breathe and enjoy the windows and the piano and the lovely things that are set before you this year.

    1. You have been the sweetest encourager and friend. Thank you for these sweet and wise words.


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