Thursday, May 2, 2013

Oh, What To Do?

I am sure all of you have been at a crossroad many times in life.  These decisions are right there ready to be made, and you feel as though you are simply paralyzed mentally.  I am there right now.  Our family has worked very hard to get through the past 16 months.  Life changed dramatically for us all.  It has been challenging staying the course to get us all to a better place.  If you are new to B Charmer, you can read this post.  It gives you a bit of the journey that changed things for us.

We have spent the past year focusing on getting my husband to a healthier place.  He still gets injections in his eyes, and so far they are working very well.  It is month-by-month journey.  We are grateful that we are enjoying the success of his treatment.  His original prognosis had him loosing his entire eyesight in both eyes by now.  Can I just say that I am fearfully and wonderfully thankful that we have not experienced that?  As hard as it is to watch him endure these injections into his eyes, we are pleased that it is providing him with nearly perfect vision.  We do not know how long they will work.  We have no guarantees.  Most patients, by now, have had to have surgery.  Surgery will do a lot of good things, but it will also destroy some things.  The stakes are high with the surgery, and as long as this treatment works, we see no reason to stop.  We can only trust that we will not have to make those decisions. 

He still faces other challenges as his diabetes is still very difficult to manage.  Even with utmost care, his sugar levels can be absolutely all over the place.  The challenge he has is never-ending.  He is a very strong man to endure these struggles.  I admire his efforts and attention to things that would be very hard for most to even consider.  This disease is cruel.  It is unrelenting and unforgiving. 

I took the job I have now to help us through all these events.  It was very hard leaving my children with others, leaving the classroom, and leaving my home to work full-time.  I did it, but I can't say it was always with a cheerful spirit.  I know this job came as a means to an end for us, and for that I kept going every day.  There were many, many times that I was unsure if I could keep going back.  The job isn't all that bad, but my personality and my love for my family make it hard for me to drive into downtown everyday and spend so much time away from home. 

We have accomplished all the goals we set out to accomplish while I have worked in accounting.  I am finally at that place where I can take a risk and turn in my notice.  My heart wants nothing more than to do this, but my mind is very confused.  I want to be at home with my boys.  I want to focus my energies at helping my husband be as healthy as possible.  My husband wants that too, but I am fearful.  I am fearful that it is not wise leaving a good job.  I am fearful that so many things seem so uncertain.  We have no guarantees in life.  We all live moment by moment.  It is hard to walk away from solid security into the unknown.  Is it the right time?  Is it safe?  I don't know.  If something happens and the treatments stop working, what then?  What would I do?

I will probably never get solid answers on my questions.  I know that things can change in mere moments.  I want to trust and not fear, but that is very hard. 

So, I am stuck. I want to be wise.  I want to be faithful. I want to do the right thing.  I just wish it were in a flashing sign somewhere....

B Charmer

As a side note, the music job I wrote about a few days ago was an incorrect posting. There was no opening in that department. I found this out only after completing an application and creating a whole new resume.






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