Wednesday, December 12, 2012

When Every Door Shuts

You know the saying, "when God closes a door, He often opens a window"?  Lately, it seems that all doors and windows have been sealed off and nailed shut.  I am trying to trust.  I am praying for increased faith.  Mostly, I am just waiting.

Since we moved, there has always been the lingering knowledge that this step was temporary.  We left our home and rented a city apartment.  We had no intentions of renting forever.  We want a home for our boys.  We took this year to get closer to K's job, work on getting him healthy, and to focus on our family.  It has been good in many ways, but there have been difficulties.  Mostly, I think I am the difficulty. I haven't allowed myself to rest any during this time. 

I have worried and fretted over the next step almost from the beginning. I worried myself right into a job that seemed necessary.  I worried myself into nearly buying a home.  And most recently, I just about allowed it all to take me right back to the place we so desperately needed a respite from. 

It is ridiculous. 
I have asked God's forgiveness and requested His abundant patience oh my behalf. 

I think I might finally be understanding what I am supposed to do.


If we make it or break it here, it is not mine to will. It is not my job to try and fit all the pieces together. They don't all fit, and no matter how I try to strong-arm my way into making things work perfectly, it simply will not. 

My children will not be scarred for life if I do not get them back into a house for awhile.  My finances will not be a complete disaster if I step back from a job and focus on my family.  My life will be OK, even if I stop trying to control every nanosecond.  Why?...because I am not in charge.  My best laid plans pale in comparison to the journey of obedience I am being asked to follow. 

But, I am scared. I am scared that I might make a wrong move.  I am scared to walk away from a very secure job.  I am scared of signing another year away to a lease.  I am scared that ends might not meet.  I want to be brave and just trust His provision.  However, I have never been very good at just letting things go.  As much as I hate working all the time, missing out on time with my boys, and spinning my wheels just for some "security", it is still very difficult for me to just let it go. It seems so counter to my nature to do everything I can to make sure things work!  I stay in knots wanting things to be different, but fear keeps me stuck in a holding pattern. 

I am trying.  It is a struggle and a weakness that I am seeing much more clearly about myself than ever before. With His grace, maybe I can do this...let go of the pieces and trust Him to make them all fit.

I keep thinking of how hard I work to make things OK for my kiddos...and I know that my efforts are so small compared to what the God of the universe can do for me. I feel like a little girl standing on the edge of the high-dive desperately wanting to leap to the waters below, but the fear is so strong my toes have a death-grip on the platform. 

One-by-one He is prying them off...

~B Charmer

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