Friday, November 30, 2012

I Can't Fight This Feeling

Do you ever feel like you're going backwards sometimes? Do you ever find yourself longing for something you once wished could be taken away? For me, it is a house...our home.

I remember sitting in the driveway of the house we just finished touring, and I was in tearful shock that my newly wedded husband didn't fall head over heels for it like I had. I tried to hold it in but it was futile. I was already rocking a baby we didn't even have in the non-existent swing on the wrap-a-round porch. I had already decorated all four mantles for Christmas and planted flowers in the front yard.  His first words were, "no way I'm ever buying that house...I hate it!"

Instant waterworks. My "perfect life" bubble popped instantly as my beloved saw nothing of the dream I had created silently in those few moments. I had a feeling...the "feeling" that all the house hunters say they have to have about a house. THE FEELING!!

He loved me a lot. We bought the house. Pure delight on my end...pure terror on his.

His fears turned out to be merited. We found ourselves doing major projects we weren't expecting on a shoestring budget. We worked, we fought, we cried, we sweated, we bled. We made progress in very slow steps. The "feeling" was completely gone. I had regret and buyer's remorse oozing from every pore of my body. He was right. It was an awful house. I wanted out. I wanted anything but that old moneypit nightmare. Sure, it had charm and character and was probably built by one of Noah's sons shortly after the flood, but I was done. Done.

Six years, two babies, a great dog, and a porch swing later, we moved. The time had come. It was inevitable. We needed to do it to get Kevin closer to work with all the health scares we were facing.

Just like that, renters were moving in saying all the same things I once said about my house. Just like that, I was moving out and into a brand new townhouse in a much larger town. No projects, no drafty winter days or sweaty summer nights. I even told my mother to pray we never had to go back.

Funny thing about the word never, it always shows up when you least expect it to.

It's nearly been a year. I miss my home. I have that "feeling" again. I need to be on my porch in the chilly night air rocking a snugly baby back to sleep. I need to get the flowers planted. I need to curl up by the little fireplace, and mostly... I just need to feel at home. I can't believe it took leaving to bring my eyes into focus. A home that is your own is an indescribable blessing. Even with the projects and upkeep, a home is a special thing. I really want to take my boys back home, even though I once said "never".

It is still ours. We could go back, but is it wise? Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I know how I feel, and I know that you don't make decisions based just on feelings....(not that I've ever been too good at putting feelings aside).

Maybe it's the job, the rental we're in, or my growing babies...but I can't seem to resist lingering on the thought of going home. I've tried a million ways to get past it.

I think mostly that I look at things so differently now than I once did. I'm not in a rush like I once was. I see how time gently softens and sweetens things.

Maybe that "feeling" really was the real deal. Maybe...
What is for sure, these days I can't seem to fight it....

~B Charmer

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're writing again. And I have the same feeling about your house. I love it:)


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