Friday, November 30, 2012

I Can't Fight This Feeling

Do you ever feel like you're going backwards sometimes? Do you ever find yourself longing for something you once wished could be taken away? For me, it is a house...our home.

I remember sitting in the driveway of the house we just finished touring, and I was in tearful shock that my newly wedded husband didn't fall head over heels for it like I had. I tried to hold it in but it was futile. I was already rocking a baby we didn't even have in the non-existent swing on the wrap-a-round porch. I had already decorated all four mantles for Christmas and planted flowers in the front yard.  His first words were, "no way I'm ever buying that house...I hate it!"

Instant waterworks. My "perfect life" bubble popped instantly as my beloved saw nothing of the dream I had created silently in those few moments. I had a feeling...the "feeling" that all the house hunters say they have to have about a house. THE FEELING!!

He loved me a lot. We bought the house. Pure delight on my end...pure terror on his.

His fears turned out to be merited. We found ourselves doing major projects we weren't expecting on a shoestring budget. We worked, we fought, we cried, we sweated, we bled. We made progress in very slow steps. The "feeling" was completely gone. I had regret and buyer's remorse oozing from every pore of my body. He was right. It was an awful house. I wanted out. I wanted anything but that old moneypit nightmare. Sure, it had charm and character and was probably built by one of Noah's sons shortly after the flood, but I was done. Done.

Six years, two babies, a great dog, and a porch swing later, we moved. The time had come. It was inevitable. We needed to do it to get Kevin closer to work with all the health scares we were facing.

Just like that, renters were moving in saying all the same things I once said about my house. Just like that, I was moving out and into a brand new townhouse in a much larger town. No projects, no drafty winter days or sweaty summer nights. I even told my mother to pray we never had to go back.

Funny thing about the word never, it always shows up when you least expect it to.

It's nearly been a year. I miss my home. I have that "feeling" again. I need to be on my porch in the chilly night air rocking a snugly baby back to sleep. I need to get the flowers planted. I need to curl up by the little fireplace, and mostly... I just need to feel at home. I can't believe it took leaving to bring my eyes into focus. A home that is your own is an indescribable blessing. Even with the projects and upkeep, a home is a special thing. I really want to take my boys back home, even though I once said "never".

It is still ours. We could go back, but is it wise? Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I know how I feel, and I know that you don't make decisions based just on feelings....(not that I've ever been too good at putting feelings aside).

Maybe it's the job, the rental we're in, or my growing babies...but I can't seem to resist lingering on the thought of going home. I've tried a million ways to get past it.

I think mostly that I look at things so differently now than I once did. I'm not in a rush like I once was. I see how time gently softens and sweetens things.

Maybe that "feeling" really was the real deal. Maybe...
What is for sure, these days I can't seem to fight it....

~B Charmer

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Lincoln, Now Playing

I love this boy.  He has brought more joy to my world than I could ever write about.  He changed us all.  He softened us all more, and he grew our hearts by leaps and bounds.  Children truly are a treasure, and each one in the family has their own special place.  His little soul is so comfortable in the world.  He melds so sweetly in any little place.  He finds fascination in nearly everything and is always quick to give a smile.  

I need to be more like him. 

He trusts so easily and forgives in mere seconds.  His cry can burst into giggles while the tears are still rolling down his little cheeks.  He makes me long to push pause on the fleeting moments of life so that I can enjoy his innocence just a bit longer. 

Thank goodness that God above picked our little family to host this special soul.  Our world would not be the same without him.  I know he is a gift, and I relish in every moment discovering Lincoln.

-B Charmer

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Stitch in Time

I walked through an Antique Market today after lunch.  It was a drafty, old downtown building that had buckets in the aisles catching the drips from the leaky roof.  It was so cold, I huddled in my coat and meandered through each booth.  There was something sort of comforting waking through these little time portals to the past.  I saw things from my childhood, things from far before my childhood, and things I know had no age to them at all.  However, a familiar dish here and there and a piece of furniture reminiscent of something in my grandmother's house made me feel sentimental and warm.  I felt oddly close to my aunts in Ohio that have their loves of dishes and pretty things.  I felt the familiar hug of my late Grandma Gladys when I saw stacks of quilts in a cupboard.  All this "stuff" represented life.  Someone's life somewhere...memories and days gone by. 

I am grateful for my memories.  I am grateful for my heritage, and long to preserve some sweet traditions silently handed down --unknowing of their depth and meaning in my life.  I wish I were a quilter, but at least I know each night that I lay beneath the quilt my grandmother labored over when I was just a baby girl. When I feel the softness and warmth, I can almost hear her little, soft laugh.  She was something. 

Maybe I will learn someday the art of quilting.  I know for sure that I will cherish the love that exists from a person's hands busy at work to make a lasting treasure.  I might just go home and pull out old photos, wrap up in the quilt, and revel in the heritage of loveliness that comes from both sides of my family.  And...I just might add that antique market to my list of places to find Christmas treasures.

Be warm tonight and enjoy the loves in your life.

B Charmer

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